My Battle for Freedom

Before I start, let me say that I am so happy I've come this far and that I am finally at a point in my life where I can write about and share my story. Hopefully, my story hits home with someone and brings attention to DV, coercive control, and post-separation abuse! I pray it helps make a difference.

Every one of us that has experienced domestic violence, especially with children in the mix, is watching the most heartbreaking events unfold before our eyes. If we victims/survivors have been successful with the first major part—getting out—we are watching our babies deal with the abuse, but now without us there to protect them. Confused from all the lies and chaos, and wondering why you aren't there to help anymore.

To this day, my youngest asks me, "Why didn't you come to Daddy's house?"

Watching my innocent babies go through hell without me is the absolute worst feeling. There have been times where I thought I would lose it, but that crazy, gut-wrenching feeling also lit a fire in me that made me want to go scream my story from the mountaintops! It makes me want to help every poor soul out there experiencing the same things.

There are some people out there, unknowingly, facing it all alone, which is unimaginable!

Honestly, if it was not for my parents and my loving, loyal friends, I would never have been able to afford the financial abuse this man inflicted by using the court system, and much, much more!

The post-separation abuse has been just as bad—if not worse—than the abuse I was experiencing at home while married to this person! It is far from right, nor is it okay, and it is by far NOT AT ALL normal.

The sickest part about this is that our abusers do not even want their children. NOT AT ALL. But we do all know this much: all they want is to win and to torment you for leaving.

Unfortunately, our legal system is not aware of how serious and how manipulative these types of abusers are. If you don't have the resources or a support system, you can't fight to protect your kids. What if someone doesn't?

Your kids are just left being trained to believe things that are not true and trained to forget the good memories.

My son asks me monthly about the same sweet memory. He asks me to tell him the entire story every month. Every time he asks me to tell him about it, his little eyes look so confused, like he's racking his brain for THAT memory, not the one that has been twisted and told to him by his own father.

My first battle of four years is finally at a close, but unfortunately it will never really end. My children are still being abused, and I feel helpless more often than not. They are wanting love from their father, only to be rejected and brainwashed.

The damage that I feel helplessly forced to witness is shocking, UNREAL, and absolutely UNBELIEVABLE.

You can read about this kind of stuff happening all you want, but until you live it, there is absolutely no way to describe what these abusers are capable of. What they can do to their own flesh and blood without batting an eye.

In fact, this is what our abusers LIVE FOR, which I still have trouble anticipating—his next trick. So now, I must try to think like him. It's relentless, exhausting, and so hard. Oh, it turns me into a different person. Not the mom I want to be, daughter, or friend. I miss me. There are times when (MY OWN NAME) sounds so foreign to me.

Before and After Marriage

During the pregnancy of my first child, I started experiencing emotional abuse. It got worse from there. Everyone in our home—me and the children—walked on eggshells. There was verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and even some physical abuse. But the emotional abuse was so bad that he had me paralyzed in my mind. I am still shocked I was ever in that state of mind.

Unfortunately, even his oldest child experienced physical abuse from the man I thought was his rescuer. From the man I thought was my knight in shining armor.

After drinking, he would come inside and "deal" with his kids every once in a while, and when he did, it almost always ended in terror. Slamming a little one's head into a glass table, almost killing my oldest more than once, exposing them to affairs, sex, lies, and more.

It took a family member seeing something that just happened to be on film, via his friend, to call me in hysteria for me to wake up just enough and realize I wasn't overreacting. This was a big deal, and that was what started my process of trying to get out.

Going Back / The Angels

Now this part is crazy, especially because of how much God has been involved throughout my case after these events.

I left my abuser twice. Yes, twice.

To this day, I cannot put into words why I went back, mainly because there were so many reasons at play, and it's so hard to explain the overwhelming feeling of being stuck and paralyzed.

Ultimately, I did it thinking I was doing what was right for my children at the time.

I also had just lost all my evidence for court due to him hacking into my phone. He would also drive by my friends' homes to be in range of their Wi-Fi or Bluetooth, which gave him access to their phones.

He made a very convincing argument about how he would change all his ways and would get help. And if that wasn't enough, he made sure to give me a massive guilt trip about how I was an awful person and that I was failing my children if I did not give this marriage another shot.

I really believed at that time that it was my responsibility to keep our family together. That I should give my family another chance. That I was the bad seed. I was the reason he cheated, lied, wouldn't give me money or access to "our money," and more.

I soon realized, about four months in, that I wasn't protecting my boys. He wasn't following through on any promises. His drinking was back to being bad, if not worse. The boys were being rejected daily and were experiencing and witnessing verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse.

Even though we were in a nice, big, new home, and he had even bought me a work shed to "show" he supported my business this time, I shortly realized not only were we back to walking on eggshells and being left in a grocery store checkout line, only to have to leave a basket full of groceries because he wouldn't send me money, but this entire "get back together" was his goal because he knew he would have lost to me in court that first round.

He didn't want to have to live with losing to me and did not want to have to pay me child support. That is ridiculous in his eyes. "I would rather die than pay her a dime," are his exact words to me about his first child's mother.

God has been watching this all, and He sends me reminders.

During the first separation, I was at the grocery store with my two boys. We were walking into the Kroger parking lot. Here I am, stressed, worried, with nothing on my mind but getting my children some milk, with a full basket of food and two boys hanging off the basket. I hear a woman scream across the parking lot, and she's rooting for me, saying, "You go, girl! You've got this!"

Now, keep in mind this woman doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I do not have a husband at home waiting for me. At that time in my life, he had been slithering his way back in, and I was stuck. I didn't know what to do, and that little cheer gave me hope. Hope that he soon erased from my mind, but that's okay because it's part of my story now.

After I gave him another chance and was back living with him, I went to the grocery store. Yes, it happened at Kroger twice!

I was on the fence about leaving and how and when to do it. A woman approached me and said, "I don't know why, but I just got a push from Above to approach you and say, 'Do not worry. God's got this. You're going to be okay.'"

Wow. Was that God reaching out through someone on earth, or was it one of His angels? I do not know. All I know is God was definitely giving me that extra push that I needed to get out.

I was out the next week.

And now, two years later, I am actually divorced and have full legal custody! Look how far I've come! I still have a lot to endure, but I've come a long way.

Court / Post-Separation Abuse

The abuse I've experienced during court and post-separation is absolutely mind-boggling and exhausting.

Yes, I went through a lot during our marriage, but the problem with post-separation abuse is everyone thinks you are crazy or you're just angry because he had an affair, etc. A lot of the reason people are kind of iffy about whether you're being truthful is because the abuse I explain IS bad and sounds so crazy to the average person.

He purposely ran up my lawyer fees to costs that almost no one can afford.

My first lawyer, he convinced me, was awful at her job by putting fake reviews on her page and sending me screenshots of them. He also did a mail trick where he sent a letter to her, and it came back saying "Vacant Address." He sent me a picture and told me she had taken my retainer and run.

Well, that, combined with the bad ratings and me being naïve to how busy lawyers are, made me believe she had swindled me.

Lawyer number two I found through Women and Children's First. She was the only lawyer who understood this type of abuser. He would drive by her place. He would have his friends call her work and act like they needed a consultation.

Unfortunately, when I went back to him, I, of course, had to say my goodbyes to her. When I left him again, she no longer went to court against opposing counsel.

This man stalked my friends, my family, and me. When he would have our kids, I would often see him driving by my work.

He had his flying monkeys. One of the main ones was one of the women he had an affair with during our marriage. She happened to be one of the worst, and she stalked me as well.

I later found out he made many fake police reports on me, saying I ran him over with my car and more.

My phone was hacked multiple times, and when I say hacked, I mean he duplicated my cell phone, deleted all my evidence, and even created spoof messages.

My bank account was emptied out through fraudulent activity. Granted, I got that money back, but I had to change all my information again.

My child's therapy is a nightmare because he tells flat-out lies. He doesn't pay half the co-pays, yet he wants to schedule appointments on his time but refuses to put a card down. Therefore, I have to pay for it.

All while he is in contempt for not paying child support and spousal support.

The school information had been changed multiple times so that he was listed as the number one contact.

He has tried to destroy my business by making purchases and leaving bad reviews. He's done the same to my family's business.

I could literally go on and on.

But what's even worse is he ran up my court fees so much that it almost made it impossible to fight for my children and their safety.

So, when you have all this stalking, flying monkeys, lies, and bills that you can't afford, it is very hard to stay focused and healthy. Because not only are you still triggered by this person, but he's still being allowed to abuse you, and there are a lot of people who believe his side.

It is very rare for someone who is married to a covert narcissist to have any evidence at all. The reason being that they put on extreme fronts in front of other people. They also have their victim so paralyzed that they don't even think to record anything.

I was extremely blessed because when I left the first time, evidence literally just appeared before me. People started handing me stuff, and I was blown away.

I was so blown away by one thing in particular that involved my son that I almost threw up the minute I saw it.

I was crying so hard after that I hit an iron gate the size of Texas at 10:00 in the morning. (I was alone and fine afterward.) This iron gate was huge.

When I got back with him, the man who caused me to hit that iron gate, we were leaving one night, and he told our kids, laughing, "Can you believe Mommy hit this gate with her car!? I mean, who does that? Hahahah."

He knew the reason why I hit that gate and thought it was funny.

But my point is, most people don't believe this kind of evil exists in other human beings, and I was one of them.

I left because the abuse got so bad, but I still had no idea just how much was going on in my marriage.

Now it makes sense why he would take my car keys and even my car the first time I tried to leave multiple times.

He did not want all his "sins" to come out. And I remember him telling me he knew how to cheat the system, that he would win the children and leave them with strangers, and that I didn't stand a chance against him.

When I gave him a second chance, one of the things he did to me was a primary example of what kind of person these abusers are. He drugged me and did sexual things to me, things I never would have allowed if I were awake. It was almost as if it was his way of saying, "F You! This is what you deserve for leaving me! How dare you!"

He also threatened to kill me and my friends multiple times, and he meant it. That is how controlling and twisted these kinds of abusers are. They will threaten everything you love. They know how caring you are and how you would feel extremely guilty if anything happened to your kids, family, or friends.

After Court Hearing / Just the Beginning

Yes, my first battle is over. I am divorced! I did get full physical custody. But unfortunately, the abuse continues.

My triggers are almost gone because I've been in therapy, and I have amazing people in my life who help me deal with him. I have friends and family who go with me to every single drop-off and pick-up so he can't corner me. I have people who help me respond to his lengthy messages that I can't read a lot of the time.

I used to not be able to approach my phone because my anxiety would get so high over not wanting to read what he was writing me.

I was able to get Our Family Wizard in place against his wishes. I wrote a note in Wizard in the very beginning saying, "Thank goodness we have this now! Surely he cannot manipulate this software!"

Funny I said that because he has turned Our Family Wizard completely chaotic. I just never thought it could be done.

He was able to change our temporary order through confusion on Wizard. But it helps you keep everything documented, so I keep it in place because, ultimately, I will be able to prove just how wrong and manipulative this person is.

I will prove that every one of my friends, family members, and neighbors who have helped me are now his targets.

All of this insanity will be a battle that many cannot fight until someone (courts, ad litems, lawyers, etc.) understands the reality of this abuse from this type of abuser.

We will never be at peace until this awakening happens!

I think it's important to add...

When you are living a nightmare where so much went on, and still is, it's almost impossible to remember every incident, every word, etc. And because this abuse can be shown through patterns of behavior, it can be crucial if you leave out details that ultimately could end up being a big part of the puzzle for judges and court professionals.

For instance, I had been trying to leave my marriage after my second child was born for a long time. I asked to leave and had my car keys taken away, as well as my car, by this man so I wouldn't be able to leave.

The moment that arose out of nowhere, the MOMENT I got to leave and how I was able to leave, was not talked about in court.

I left out the fact that we were at his mom's house, where he had gotten drunk and started calling me names. So I took that opportunity to take the boys with my car. I left my ex there at his mom's to "sober up." I knew he would not have a way home for a while, so that was my chance, and I took it.

Here's what I left out:

After I left him at his mom's, in my car, I received a hateful "drunk text" saying, "You better be out by Monday!" Now remember, I had our two boys with me.

So, he kicked out his wife and two very young children that day.

What's even crazier is that after he kicked us out, he did not call his children for two weeks. I would say that is abandonment and shows he knew the boys were safe in my care.

He knew I had no money because he wouldn't give me access to the bank accounts. He knew he kicked me out of our home and had no idea where I was going to stay. What if we were living on the streets? He did not know if we were alive or dead.

That incident speaks volumes, but I kept forgetting about it because my main focus was voicing that I had kept trying to leave. I completely forgot, or just put it in the back of my mind, that the first time I left, my husband and the father of my children had actually kicked out his entire family.

Later, he would enter our new home and rape me, drug me, and destroy everything, with no thought of his kids.

I would also find evidence later of sexual pictures, and every girl was passed out asleep as he took photos of them.

I continue to watch my two precious babies suffer. It's heartbreaking. These are the years I should be enjoying, and don't get me wrong, I do. But it is with all of this happening.

It's very hard to put into words what I'm watching happen to my children. It's almost impossible to prove. They're both in therapy, and I pray this will set them free one day.

As for me, I plan on fighting, not only for my children but for others as well.

I was married to this man for eight years, and even I had no idea what he was capable of or what he was doing behind my back until I left.

I have friends who became my friends after first being friends with him, and even they say he is so manipulative they can't even sit down and have a conversation with him without feeling themselves start to cave and feel sorry for him.

Yes, these abusers are that good.

If I didn't have the evidence, I could have lost, because how do I prove that this charming individual is actually a monster in disguise?

We had a psychological exam done, and she pinpointed him, but because he lied, she couldn't diagnose him. The words are there. The rule-out is there, but the diagnosis is not.

But I needed that because I needed to hear someone else say, "I see it. You are not crazy."

This type of abuse is a cycle, a cycle of abuse. Trauma bonding, coercion, silent treatment, manipulation, etc.

It took me leaving and doing a deep dive into learning everything I could about narcissistic abuse, etc., to finally realize why he is the way he is.

His mother had no empathy and was not there for him when he needed her most. His father was abusive. He would sleep by his mother's feet because her feet were more of a comfort than her head.

And would you believe he has a foot fetish and sex addiction now?

So, once again, until someone in the court system realizes how the cycle will continue if someone doesn't stop it, we will continue to see cases like this grow. And our innocent children, who are our future, will be the ones who suffer the most.

My children are what kept me going. Once I felt that first true, peaceful feeling, there was no going back.

WHAT THEY BUILT AFTER

I am an advocate. I encourage any and everyone to not only read stories of DV survivors, but also to read about ACEs, narcissism, Cluster B personality disorders, antisocial personality disorder, post-separation abuse, and high-conflict divorces.

You will be shocked when you read what happens to someone's mind when you're emotionally and psychologically abused. How everyone is fair game in the abuser's eyes. They will do whatever it takes to destroy everyone who has helped you along the way, everyone that you love, and because they know your children are your number one priority, sadly, your children become their main targets.

How in the world is it in the best interest of a child to stay unsupervised with someone who wants to destroy them, their other parent, and everyone and everything they love?

Imagine this: Your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned, and gaslighted into believing that you are imagining things. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered, and they are not, and never were, what you thought they were.

So, for everyone reading this, please do your research.

And for all of you amazing survivors, please do not give up hope. Because one day we will be able to expose every last abuser and get these innocent souls, our children, out of the abuser's very twisted and loveless world.

Turn this battle into something that makes you stronger. Do not let it destroy you.